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1 tbsp                brooding pretentiousness
1 tsp                  amorphous ideas
4 cups              agonizing character and plot development
3-5                    chewed up pens
1-3                    ritualistic cup(s) of coffee
½ cup             molten pride
¼ cup        questions and knee-knocking fears about ambiguous future
1 dash              last minute panic
Red ink, for decorating


Preheat the oven to Fiction or Non-Fiction.

Grease a fresh sheet of college-ruled notebook paper with brooding pretentiousness until liberally covered and coat with amorphous ideas. Set aside.

Whisk the character and plot development by hand until fluffy and substantial. Fold in the chewed up pens and daily cup of coffee. When the mixture reaches a batter-like consistency, pour it into your greased paper and bake for 30 minutes. It will be lumpy. Cake is done when all gaping plot holes are filled and story is entertaining and meaningful. Let cool for a few minutes.

While the cake bakes, prepare the frosting. Stir molten pride in a bowl until it reaches a reasonable temperature. Hold your breath, cross your fingers, and spoon all the answerless questions you have about your still ambiguous future as a writer. Add a dash of last minute panic and let sit.

After cake is cool, top with icing and decorate with red ink.

The Author
[C]an I give to you my [O]utstanding example of “poetry”? It [V]a-VOOMS off the page like a cat at four in the [E]ffing morning on a day you need to be up by six, [R]unning and skidding around the [L]egs of your bed, [E]ating away at your sanity because Jesus Christ it’s 4 am & [T]his Goddamned cat thinks [T]hat every thing you own is a toy. You could strangle him, & [E]ven though your arm is now his scratching post, you [R]eally love him. (Catherine if you’re reading this send us a bio at support@theneweryork.com)

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